Almost-Mayonnaise (for all your summer sandwich emergencies)

[underused]

In our fridge, mayonnaise is an unreliable condiment. We don't use it often, so we run out without much fuss. I might make or buy some; I might not. We can go weeks without (and hardly miss it). But the thing about mayo is, when you want it, nothing else will do.

That's when this two minute approximation kinda kicks ass. It uses the same ingredients as mayonnaise, so while it's not quite as creamy, if you're not eating it off a spoon, it's hard to tell the difference. (If you are eating if off a spoon, I'd like to introduce you to my brother, as you obviously have some things in common.) 

Two Minute Almost-Mayo

In a blender or small food processor, combine:

1 hard-boiled egg
(start with) 1/4 cup olive oil
1 tbsp vinegar (to taste)
salt

Blend until it looks like mayonnaise.

If it's too thick, add a little more oil. If it's too bland, add vinegar and/or salt to taste. Throw in some pepper or fresh herbs, lemon juice, or mustard if you like.

Aaaaand, you're done.

(It'll keep in an airtight container in the fridge for a week or so.)

Yuen Ren Chao's Stirred Eggs.

[full_metal_ox]

(Online source courtesy of Ragnar Torfason: http://www.theweebsite.com/ragnar/eggs.html)



The following recipe is from How to Cook and Eat in Chinese by Buwei Yang Chao--which as far as I know, is the first American Chinese cookbook targeted to English-speaking non-Chinese, and codified a lot of the terminology; for example, it was she who introduced the terms "pot-sticker" and "stir-fry".

For some unfathomable reason, this wound up being the only recipe Dr. Chao would allow her husband to contribute to the book; her comments are in italics. (Note that Yuen Ren Chao was a linguist, rather than an engineer as Ragnar reports.)

13.1. Stirred Eggs

Stirred eggs may be said to be the most everyday dish made by applying the most everyday method to the most everyday material. Learning to stir-fry eggs is the ABC of cooking. As this is the only dish my husband cooks well, and he says that he either cooks a thing well or not at all, I shall let him tell how it is done.

"Obtain:
6 average-sized fresh eggs (for this is the maximum number of eggs 1 have cooked at one time)
3 grammes of cooking salt (or, as an alternative, 4 grammes of table salt)
50 e.e. fresh lard, which will approximately equal the content of 4 level tablespoonfuls
1 plant of Chinese ts'ung (substitute with scallion if ts'ung is unobtainable) about 30 em. long by 7 mm. in average diameter. (This ingredient is optional.)
"Either shell or unshell the eggs by knocking one against another in any order.1 Be sure to have a bowl below to catch the contents. With a pair of chopsticks, strike the same with a quick, vigorous motion known as 'beating the eggs.' This motion should, however, be made repeatedly and not just once. Automatic machines, aptly named as 'egg-beaters,' have been invented for this purpose.
"Make cross sections of the ts'ung at intervals of about 7.5 mm., making 40 sections altogether. Throw in the ts'ung and the measured amount of salt during the final phase of the 'beating.'
"Heat the lard in a large flat-bottomed pan over a brisk fire until it (the lard) begins to give off a faint trace of smoke. Pour the contents of the bowl into the oil at once.
"The next phase of the operation is the most critical for the successful stir-frying of eggs. When the bottom part of the mixture becomes a puffed-up soft mass on contact with the heat, the upper part will remain quite liquid. Preferably using a thin flat piece of metal attached to a handle, the operator should push the mixture to one side so as to allow the uncooked liquid portion to flow onto the hot fat on the now exposed portion of the bottom. (Sometimes this may be facilitated by slightly tipping the pan.) Quickly repeat this until abut 90 per cent of the liquid has come in contact with the hot fat and becomes puffed. Then, still using the flat piece of metal, make the entire content of the pan revolve through 180 degrees about a horizontal axis. This delicate operation is known as 'turning it over,' which in the hands of a beginner may easily become a flop. It can be done neatly and without waste only after repeated practice with different sets of eggs.
"If the turning over has been successfully carried out, wait for 5 seconds, which is about the time it takes to count from 1 to 12, then transfer the contents to the bowl or a platter, when the dish is said to be done.
"To test whether the cooking has been done properly, observe the person served. If he utters a voiced bilabial nasal consonant with a slow falling intonation, it is good. If he utters the syllable yum in reduplicated form, it is very good."-Y. R. C.

Stirred eggs are really much simpler to make than to tell. It is a very handy dish to fill the table when unexpected guests come. Remember that only lard or any animal fat is good for this dish. It is therefore only good for once, in fact only when it is hot..

1. Since, when two eggs collide, only one of them will break, it will be necessary to use a seventh egg with which to break the sixth. If, as it may very well happen, the seventh egg breaks first instead of the sixth, an expedient will be simply to use the seventh one and put away the sixth. An alternate procedure is to delay your numbering system and define that egg as the sixth egg which breaks after the fifth egg.