thecookbook | Entries tagged with condiment

Miso Master, an American manufacturer of artisanal miso, have been in the habit of printing recipes on their inner labels; this one encircles a recipe for quick miso soup with illustrations of the manufacturing process:

At one point, though, someone at Miso Master decided to devote the inner label of Country Barley Miso to dissing the competition:

“Quick Miso”
BAG OF TRICKS

For Making Inferior Quick Miso:

1. USE ACCELERANTS like yeast and alcohol
2. HEAT MISO DURING AGING for faster maturing
3. “ALMOST PASTEURIZE” MISO so it can claim to be unpasteurized when it actually isn’t

“Quick” miso is not uncommon and, predictably, is a modern innovation. This commercially produced miso uses every trick in the book to quicken maturing, making two or three runs of inferior product to one run of naturally aged, superior miso such as Miso Master.

full_metal_ox

(Prompted by

underused's request for suggestions on what to do with a surplus of horseradish.)

Tumbler of tomato juice cocktail with lemon garnish.

This formula for a cold-and-flu-fighting vegetable juice cocktail comes from the "Healing" chapter of Oberon Zell-Ravenheart's Grimoire for the Apprentice Wizard (2004, New Page Books), a tutorial on Neo-Pagan witchcraft as framed in Harry Potteresque terms (1); I've taken the liberty of naming the recipe accordingly.

2 cups V-8 juice
Juice of 1/2 fresh lemon
A few cloves of garlic
1 teaspoon grated horseradish
A pinch of cayenne pepper

The recipe specifies only that the above ingredients be "blended well", so presumably the above are to be tossed in the blender or juicer; Zell-Ravenheart advises, "Hint: the horseradish helps open blocked sinuses. Add more if you can tolerate the taste."

(He also adds that "half a teaspoon of grated horseradish, flavored with lemon juice, can be taken twice a day for sinus conditions. Horseradish has loads of vitamin C and also helps clear mucus out of the human body.")

(1) ETA: in light of ongoing revelations, Zell-Ravenheart has since distanced his curriculum from the British Wizard Franchise.

underused

In our fridge, mayonnaise is an unreliable condiment. We don't use it often, so we run out without much fuss. I might make or buy some; I might not. We can go weeks without (and hardly miss it). But the thing about mayo is, when you want it, nothing else will do.

That's when this two minute approximation kinda kicks ass. It uses the same ingredients as mayonnaise, so while it's not quite as creamy, if you're not eating it off a spoon, it's hard to tell the difference. (If you are eating if off a spoon, I'd like to introduce you to my brother, as you obviously have some things in common.)

Two Minute Almost-Mayo

In a blender or small food processor, combine:

1 hard-boiled egg
(start with) 1/4 cup olive oil
1 tbsp vinegar (to taste)
salt

Blend until it looks like mayonnaise.

If it's too thick, add a little more oil. If it's too bland, add vinegar and/or salt to taste. Throw in some pepper or fresh herbs, lemon juice, or mustard if you like.

Aaaaand, you're done.

(It'll keep in an airtight container in the fridge for a week or so.)

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The Cookbook

Entries tagged with condiment

A passive-aggressive “recipe” from Miso Master, circa 2018.

Oberon Zell-Ravenheart's Pepper-Up Potion.

Almost-Mayonnaise (for all your summer sandwich emergencies)

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